How Others Learn About You: Words, Actions & Reactions

In my wealth management practice and overall life’s experience, I know the old adage of “actions speak louder than words” is true. However, I discovered the other day at age 64 that reactions speak the loudest of all.

Words Are Important

Let’s start with children and how they learn from parents. A basic Google search using “Talking to children” yields over 1,000,000 results, so there is a lot of interest in this important area. There clearly are times when parenting involves words such as when my parents explained the miracle or facts of life. Another example from my life is when my drunk mother told my sister and me that, when we misbehave, we cause our parents to fight as they just had been doing. These instances had a life-changing impact on me, so words can be very powerful.

Actions Speak Louder

However, children learn more about us from our actions than our words.  When we act disrespectfully to our spouse or our parents after telling children to respect elders, speeding after having just given our teenagers their driving lessons, smoking while telling them not to smoke, swearing when we tell them not to swear, we are sending mixed messages – the more powerful lesson comes from our actions. Please don’t ask me to count the ways my behavior sent messages conflicting with my words to my children. Hopefully my grandchildren are seeing more consistency in me.

I remember many times in my wealth management career what clients learned after reviewing their spending for the previous year. While almost all said they were not extravagant spenders, they were always surprised at least by how they spent their money - if not how much they spent. Mathew 6:21 comes to mind – “For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.” (ESV) When we reviewed how they spent their money and compared that distribution to their values and life goals, they realized there were some inconsistencies that needed addressing.

To this scripture, I would expand “treasure” to include time and talents instead of just money. My most precious treasure is my time, so I need to be an especially good steward of it. That being said, our family and friends learn more about us by how we spend our time, talents and treasures than what we say about spending them. Don’t fool yourself into thinking that your words are more telling than your actions.

Reactions Tell the Truth

However, there is a level of action that is even more powerful, and that is our reactions. Just the other day, I had an ugly reminder of how I really am deep down inside. Yes, I was dead tired after a mission trip with a 7-hour time zone difference with sleep and jet lag struggles. Yes, there was an issue that I was dealing with that was frustrating. Needless to say, I did not have the healthy approach that I recommend to others to address. I was not my more normal calm self that I usually show. Well, a real and ugly part of my personality showed in my reaction when I did not have the energy to show my normal, more thoughtful action. The blunt, forceful, hyper-processing, and cold statements that came out of my mouth showed my colleague Noah and me what is still lurking inside me. I had not shown this for a few years, but it was still inside me. I had to address what had just happened.

I learned a lot about myself as I prayed about it, talked to my wife about it, and reviewed it with Noah. There were expressions of grace from Noah and advice from my wife of how behavior like mine can be quite off-putting.  Also, I still received a humbling gift in the process. My reaction in the heat of a moment showed me more about myself than my words or actions did.

How does this subject fit into a blog from an organization that helps self-identified Christians clarify their purpose and take action to fulfill it? Well, what we learn about ourselves by our actions can still help us with assessing the true transformation that has occurred in our lives. While Proverbs 27:17… “Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another” (ESV) comes into play with loving friends, our reactions that are inconsistent with our words and actions can tell us a lot as well.

Take some time in prayer to ask the Lord to teach you where your words, actions and reactions are inconsistent. Ask those closest to you the same question. There will be some gifts in the gap of what you thought was consistent and what those who love you see as inconsistent. It is hard to hear sometimes, but He loves us, forgives us and wants us to follow the path he has created for us for His glory.

Charlie

The Unstatus Your Quo Growth Plan helps Christians clarify their purpose and take action to fulfill that purpose.  The process also helps individuals see gaps in their lives regarding what their life is and what it could be.  Start Session #1 for FREE by clicking HERE.