Fights About Money Are Never About the Money. They're About…
Nov 07, 2019
Experience with the Poor to $100+ Millionaires
As a former wealth manager and volunteer for over 30 years, I’ve seen in my offices many ways that people “relate” to money and discuss the impact of it on their lives and the lives of their progeny. The Bible says more about money and the love of money than almost any other topic, so let’s dig into this issue.
My step-grandfather had a media empire, was very wise, and used to call money “Frozen Energy”. My old firm took it one step farther by saying, “When the energy of that money is liberated, it can be powerfully good or powerfully bad for a family.” At a Bible study, one participant told me on the other extreme that his wife’s family broke up over $6,000 that was the total inheritance from the parents. So, it’s not about how much money. It’s about something else.
What in the World is Going on Here?
At my old firm, we merged psychology and money 25 years ago and at various times had a counselor on staff or outsourced to help our clients with the issues underneath the money. One of the counselors, Judi, taught me that fights about the money are never about the money, no matter how wealthy the family was. The money was simply serving as a lightning rod for the fights when in fact the real issues were underneath the money.
Let’s explore some of the most common reasons for the fights and how resolution is possible. What you are going to read is very practical and may change your life, marriage and many relationships. It changed mine.
Money Fight #1
One of the most common reasons for fights about the money is the clash of value systems. We see it in marriages, politics, corporations, frankly wherever money is, but I’d like to focus on marriages.
Sometimes there were instances in my practice where the couple was not going to be able to continue spending at the current rate and were going to run out of assets before running out of life – even with multi-millionaires. While we tried to start with a blank sheet and build the budget according to essentials first and so on, the discussion would invariably head in the “Where can we cut?” direction. We never made suggestions because we knew this discussion was about their values.
Recommendation: Recognize that the argument is about value system clash and talk about why this one spending area is more or less God-glorifying than the other one. There may be room for compromise, so watch out for taking “all or none” stances.
Money Fight #2
Another common reason for a fight is about one person trying to control the money spending decisions. This symptom can be about fear: absence of money growing up, ignorance about money, an event in life where there was a major financial loss, or a host of other reasons why there is fear around money.
I’m a big fan of treating causes versus symptoms whether it is in families, marriages, political discourse, business issues, etc. So much time, money, talents, and relationships are wasted on symptoms. However, there is a gift in this situation in that the money disagreement has brought light to the real underlying issue of fear that can be addressed for life-changing impact.
Recommendations: First, get a financial plan that paints the rest of your life financially so you can have discussions in the proper context. Doing this alone can reduce or increase the fear appropriately. Second, go to a Christian counselor to isolate the source of the fear and work on it together with the counselor’s guidance. There were times I was in the counselor’s office with the clients as they navigated this issue - and frankly all the others in this blog.
Money Fight #3
This fight is common as well, but it can be tougher to resolve. This one is about power in the relationship. There may be a member of the couple who feels powerless outside of the relationship and wants to exert himself in the spending area. Or, one member in the relationship feels powerless in the relationship and either exerts herself or withdraws totally in this area. Last, the main money earner may want to take the power of spending decisions because he made the money.
Recommendations: First, the Bible has a lot to say about marriage, what it represents and what it reflects – our relationship with Christ, so working through Scripture together like 1 Cor 13:1-13 or Ephesians 22 can help you get back to basics. Make sure the husband serving the wife is clearly discussed as part of his leadership and both have God-glorifying roles. Second, a Christian counselor can be very helpful.
Money Fight #4
This is one that is very important with inheritances of as little as $6,000. With just a will, Children will read into division of inheritance as the final assessment of parental love – like it or not. More often now, attorneys will suggest a side document to express feelings of love and why property is divided the way it has – if they are not willing to do so while alive. Sibling rivalry, seen in the Bible very early on, is not new. There may some things that happened in the sandbox that created sibling relationship issues, and they show up at this time – finally.
Recommendations: Parents need to address this issue while alive. After discussing some preventative strategies to the patriarch of a very wealthy family (also remember the $6,000 inheritance example earlier), he stated that he did not think there were any problems in the family, but if there were, he wanted to be around to help them with the issues. What a loving thing to say. Lo and behold, there were problems as expected by the matriarch, and they were able to understand them and help the family come together and love one another.
Conclusion
I hope this blog has inspired some new thinking and insight into some basic areas of your life: faith, family, money/possessions & work. While working on these issues that are underneath the money, write a vision of what relationships would look like if these issues underneath the money were resolved. It is so much easier to leave what has been when you have a vision of what could be. All of this should be motivated by our love for God because of His sacrifice for us. May all we do be for His glory.
Charlie Haines
