Childhood Events Have Great Impact - A Story That is Hard to Share
Oct 31, 2019
Oldest Child Living with an Alcoholic Mother
For those familiar with alcoholism, the oldest child tends to fall into the role of the Golden Child – protector of the other siblings. This child takes a bit of an emotional beating, and my siblings have thanked me for doing what I could to protect them and to support them when our parents weren’t there for them.
This blog is not a story of blaming my mother who had a disease that was prevalent in our family. Given her circumstances growing up, she greatly improved on the environment and safety of her children. However, it is a story of how early coping mechanisms you and I may have developed can have long-term consequences on our lives… and not good ones. However, our Savior is ready to bear our burdens.
My Mother and My Old Heart
My mother was a brilliant woman who, at age 20, had graduated from college. She was one of the first women accepted at a top-three law school in the late 40’s. She did not have a Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg-like story because her father died preventing her from attending. She had to work three jobs to help support her mother and five siblings. Sadly, she lived the rest of her life with a huge regret. “If only I had been able to go to law school.”
When my mother started going after my siblings, my father and me after 5pm, the cocktail hour which we hated, I had my work cut out for me to step between my siblings and my mother in a debate to defend us. My kind and gentle father withered under her attack. My mother would have been a great trial attorney.
In order to have any chance, I had to shut down all emotions that I was feeling and become a cold, analytical, non-emotional debater who was not susceptible to the strategy of deflection. Even after moving out of the house with fewer parent-child interactions, I continued to use this coping when attacked by someone. Fortunately, that reflex action changed almost 12 years ago when I surrendered my life to Christ. To this day, I still have some flashes of doing it when under attack, but my loving wife and Lord help me stop.
My New Heart and Fulfilling Life!
After 53 years of suppressing emotions, I had some adjustments to make. My wife, Nancy, says I am the crybaby of the two of us. Yes. I do tear up when I hear the stories of refugees and the poor in our work abroad. Sweet stories of love, movies, and all kinds of other human interactions touch my heart, and it shows. Most importantly, the Lord has changed my heart for a new life for His glory. Even my children have called me “New Dad”, and my capacity for love feels boundless. Yours can, too.
John’s Life Changed Last Friday!!
This brings me to “John.” I experienced an incredible client meeting last week with John which has inspired me to share some of my story with you and to share some of his. He also has a heart story that needs some childhood explanation and how current events led him to a life change in our coaching call.
John is brilliant, can quote and talk about scripture all day, knows how to look like a Christian, but he too had a time in his life when he had to toughen up – or so he was told. He had to learn sometime in his childhood to control his emotions and not feel them. Most men today, when we were boys on the sports field, were told not to show pain, weakness or cry. We are to tough it out and get back in the game. Don’t show vulnerability or emotions because that is not manly.
On a funny note, I was reading a book to my daughter in elementary school and a friend of hers who was spending the night. The story had a sad part, and I started to pretend to cry to make them laugh. Unexpectedly, my daughter’s friend said to me, “Mr. Haines. Just suck it up!” Even a little girl had learned to expect that out of men.
Well, John has lived his life depending almost entirely on his brilliance. Right now, though, he is struggling. The prodigious gifts he has been given are not working for him right now, opportunities are passing him by, and He can’t hear the Lord’s whisper. He is lost for how to provide for his family. In our coaching call last Friday, he finally broke down. He started crying, and I was silent to let him feel what he needed to feel. Gifted men’s tears are just as wet as others’ tears. There were more moments in the call like this, but John was beginning to realize that he may not have surrendered his life to the Lord, but it was happening in that moment!
He recounted that his mother had told him he was an emotional child before he toughened up. Now, however, his heart is opening in a way he had not experienced ever, and he embraced the feelings he was having. He was before the Lord as the feeling person he really was. John was experiencing his new life with the Lord in Him, and our session ended in recognition that it was a major event in His life.
John’s Incredible New Life!
John is in a new place. He is going to be getting back to basics and experiencing life with a profoundly different perspective. He knows better that His purpose is to glorify God, but his action plan is going to be a lot different than it has been. Being vulnerable with his family and real friends will be easier. Also, he will feel the gospel in a way he never has. His family will have a new and healthier leader dependent not on John’s brilliance, but on Jesus.
I hope John’s and my stories encourage you, especially if you are a person who has been taught to not feel your emotions. There is a new life waiting for you, and He is ready to embrace you as you truly surrender. Give me a call at 205-837-9340 if you’d like to talk or send me an email with your story at [email protected]. I’d love to read it and encourage you!
Charlie
